The Messed Up Adventures of Two Drunks
by Keep Dreaming
Summary: Ever thought teachers didn't do completely irresponsible things when they were drunk? Well, yes they do! From scarring Bubblegum guards to cowtipping, both of these highly respected teachers at Gallagher will be in for the night of their lives.


**Okay, so I was looking at the characters that didn't have any stories, and decided to come up with this. Professor Buckingham reminds me a little of Bex and Madame Dabney reminds me of either Liz or Cammie. It may be horrible, but at least it's original.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any thing Gallagher.**

Patricia Buckingham walked the stony halls of Gallagher. A group of eighth grade girls rushed past, whispering, but immediately stopped when the saw her. Normally, she would scold them for gossiping or staring but right now, her fingers hurt from arthritis. All she wanted to do was take some Advil, plan tomorrow's lesson, and go to bed. She looked down at her wrinkly old hands. God, she would have to try the new wrinkle cream.

"Oh, Patricia, dear, could you help me with something?" her old friend Madame Dabney called from a classroom up ahead. Patricia rolled her eyes. She had a lot of respect for Madame Dabney. They were both extremely good friends, despite having twenty years in between them, but Madame Dabney was a little...naïve. Patricia wasn't too surprised that she was in the NSA research program. She didn't seem to fill the requirements of a field officer. In fact, Patricia would bet her retirement money, that she could fight her right now and win, even with her very fragile hips.

She entered Madame Dabney's tea room. She was almost disgusted by the pink curtains. Despite growing up in an era that rose young ladies to be _lady-like, _Patricia was a tomboy at heart. Whenever she had to wear a dress, she would pick the plainest one that she could find. Instead of joining conversations about knitting techniques, she would longingly stare at the gentlemen playing cricket. She would beg to sit in at her father's dinner parties so she could hear their manly discussions but would never voice her opinion. (She didn't want to embarrass her father.) Most girls here age wanted to have a knight save them, Patricia wanted to _be_ the knight. It was the main reason she became a spy. Not too many girls who lived in a proper wealthy English home in her decade wanted to crawl through dusty walls, you know.

"What is it, Amelia?" **(A/N I don't know Madame Dabney's real name. Forgive me.) **She asked, impatiently. Amelia had the tendency to take to long when asking for help. Normally, Patricia would have tolerated it, but tonight she was tired. She helped four seventh graders get out from the elevators that led to Sublevel One, helped Headmistress Morgan unglue a sophomore in Dr. Fib's lab, and punished Cameron Morgan from trying to sneak out of the mansion using another secret passageway. _Again._ All in all, it had been a very long day for an eighty-year-old ex-MI6 agent.

"Oh, I promise it won't take long, Patricia," Amelia smiled at her. Patricia had to give her credit. Although Amelia got on her nerves, she was very, very sweet. "I have been experimenting with the tea. Some girls asked how they should know if theirs is drugged or not. Now, I have been able to tell the difference between the contaminated and the non-contaminated with all drugs and alcohol except for one."

Patricia studied the two cups of tea. They both looked the same and they both smelled the same to her. "How am I supposed to help?"

"Well, as you know I wasn't trained as well as you where. I was hoping that maybe you could tell the difference," Madame Dabney said, almost nervously. Patricia turned her focus back to the two cups of tea.

"Can, I taste them?" she asked cautiously.

"Yes, of course, just don't drink more than a whole mouthful. Take very tiny sips. If you take too much, you will be _very _drunk," Madame Dabney warned her. Patricia almost smiled. The last time she got drunk was at that Christmas party in '86 when she…

Um, never mind. Right now is not the time to go down memory lane.

Very cautiously, she took a very tiny sip of each cup. They tasted exactly the same. Maybe it was because her taste buds were getting old. She took another tiny sip. No difference again. By now, Madame Dabney was watching her very closely, almost studying her every movement.

"Well, anything?" she said. Patricia swallowed.

"Um, the contaminated taste a little sweeter," Patricia lied.

"Really?" Madame Dabney said, excitedly. She wrote something on a clipboard. "Oh, thank you, Patricia! This was such a huge breakthrough! I knew you could help me! Now let me try!" Madame Dabney pulled two cups of tea towards herself. She tried each one before deciding which one she thought was non-contaminated. She downed the contents before Patricia could protest.

"Now let's put your theory to the test. Drink the rest of yours!" Patricia could do nothing but smile and drink her tea guilty in response.

_**Page Break**_

Patricia Buckingham was in both a laughing fit and a hiccupping fit. By the time she was finished, she was out of breath and near tears. She slid out of her seat and on to the ground. Madame Dabney just laughed at the whole scene.

"PATTY! YOU OLD FOOL!" Madame Dabney said in a voice way too loud for 2 a.m.

"What is going on here?" Headmistress Morgan said, walking into the tea room to find her two most responsible staff members giggling like idiots.

"Why, Rachel, you young thing, I should set you up with my nephew from Seattle," Madame Dabney said.

"You mean the one that just got married? No thank you," Rachel said. "Are you two drunk?"

"Wasted." Patricia started.

"High," Dabney agreed. Soon they were both saying adjectives to describe them.

"Bashed."

"Boozed up."

"Liquored up."

"Tight."

"Plastered."

"Enough! I get it! You're both extremely drunk, and from what I remember last time, I need to keep Patricia away from any Indian belly dancers. Lord knows we don't want to repeat the Christmas party fiasco. Both of you must wait right here. I'll go find something to sober you guys up," Rachel Morgan said, leaving both of the drunks where they were.

"Hey, Patty," Madame Dabney said. "I got an idea."

"What, Amelia? I'm not as young as I used to be," Patricia slurred.

"One word; Streaking."

_**Page Break**_

Completely ignoring Headmistress Morgan's orders, both elderly women stripped and ran around the grounds, butt naked. The sight was so shocking that the poor Bubblegum guard's bubblegum fell out of his mouth when he saw them. Not that he was really worried, seeing how he had bigger problems on his hands. He just saw two old women running outside the mansion in the nude. Better call Headmistress Morgan…

"Mrs. Morgan?"

"Yes?" a tired voice came from the other side of the line.

"It's Arty. I'm working the night shift and thought you should know that there are two women out here, um, well, streaking."

"They are doing _what?_"

"Streaking."

"Oh my God, its 3 in the morning, I should not have to put up with this!"

_**Page Break**_

"Hello, girls, out for a midnight stroll?" Dr. Fibs said. Both girls put on clothes they found in Sublevel Two. Very tight clothes.

Amelia giggled. "Why yes, we are. Care to join?" Patricia shot her friend a look. One saying 'No him! Gross!' Amelia sent one back saying 'Just watch'.

"So, what does a guy like you do for fun?" Amelia said. Patricia stifled giggles. God she was so wasted. She felt twenty again. She would have to do this more often.

"Make new chemicals?" Dr. Fibs said this like answering a trick question. He was walking backwards slightly as Madame Dabney walked forwards. Both girls were over the moon type of high.

"Oh, well, I'm very good at chemistry," Madame Dabney said, sounding nothing like herself.

"Really? I never knew that," Dr. Fibs said. Before he could say anything, Madame Dabney kissed him.

Both women flew into fits of laughter while Dr. Fibs looked appalled. He was going to say something, but they were on the ground, crying with laughter while holding their rib cages.

_**Page Break**_

"Hey, Patty," Amelia called to her friend. They both put on clothes from Sublevel Two after running one lap around the mansion.

"Yeah?"

"Guess who lives right here?" Amelia shot her friend a wicked smile.

"Who?" Patricia said excitedly, giggling.

"Joe Solomon!" they both squealed like little girls, giggling here and there.

"Oh, Lea, you know we have to do something! He's so hunky!" Patricia said, giggling. Sure, eighty-year-old women are not supposed to hit on twenty-year-old men but she _was_ drunk and he just happened to be sleeping shirtless five feet away…

"I have a _brilliant _idea!" Patricia said, a huge smirk plastered on her face.

_**Page Break**_

"WHAT THE HELL?" Solomon woke up with a start. Looking down, he saw the there was something written on his chest. In. Permanent. Marker. Someone's going to pay.

"'Patty and Lea; Best Friends Forever'?" Solomon read off his chest. Whose Patty and/or Lea? And why were they writing on his chest at quarter to four in the morning? Wait, there's something else.

"'Rachel's Bitch'?"

Oh, Rachel Morgan, watch out. Joe Solomon is so going to get you.

_**Page Break**_

"And did you see how dreamy his eyes are, even when they are closed?" Patricia said to her new best friend Amelia. They both giggled as they drove through Roseville. It was such a beautiful night… for cow tipping that is. They found the nearest farm and pulled over.

"Yeah, he is really cute! I thought Dr. Steve was cute, too!" Lea gushed. Patty made a face.

"Who asks his students to call him that? He was way to obsessed with the word 'excellent'," Patty said, as they approached a cow.

"Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three," Lea said, as they pushed the cow.

"And down goes Bessie!" Patricia Buckingham said, watching the poor cow tip. The field they were on was covered with them. Hide the livestock, folks, nothing is safe from these two drunks.

"Hey, what's that?" Madame Dabney said, pointing in the distant towards town. Bright neon lights shone across the sky.

"A gentlemen's club," Patricia Buckingham said, shrugging. Both of their faces lit up with an idea.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Oh, yeah."

And that's how Amelia Dabney and Patricia Buckingham hold the recorded for making the most men leave a strip club.

_**Page Break**_

Patricia Buckingham woke up, groaning slightly. Her arthritis was back in her hand and her brain pounded against her skull. She didn't remember anything from last night, but why was she wearing these clothes and sleeping in the hospital? She looked on her shoulder. There was a tattoo with a heart and the words 'PATTY AND LEA; BEST FRIENDS'. Apparently, Madame Dabney, who was occupying the bed next to her, had one that was identical.

"Oh, good, you're awake," Joe Solomon said, standing up from the chair he was sitting in.

"What happened?" she asked him, her throat dry and scratchy.

"Well, _Patty, _you and _Lea _had a little too much to drink," Solomon said, glaring at them both. Patricia had no energy to glare at him and his disrespectful ways.

"What did we do?" Madame Dabney said nervously.

"Maybe this will refresh your memories," Solomon took his shirt off. On his chest were the things they wrote the night before, only a little faded and the skin around the words was red, like someone rubbed a little too hard. "I'll leave you girls to your thoughts." With that, he left.

Amelia giggled. "What's so funny?" Patricia demanded. Amelia only laughed harder.

"Really tell me.

"Oh, nothing, it's just that he had an eight pack," Amelia said, winking to her. Both women started laughing.

**A/N I hope it brought a smile to your day :) I could always add another chapter but for now I think its best to keep it a one-shot.**

**I didn't know Madame Dabney's name, so I just had to wing it. Lea was short for Amelia, by the way. It was either that or Amy.**

**I know it is so wrong for teachers to kiss or that Madame Dabney or Professor Buckingham would NEVER do any of that.**

**But they were drunk. And I mean, one-more-sip-and-you-get-your-stomach-pumped-drunk. I just didn't want them throwing up the whole night. **

**So tell me if you hated it or loved it. **


End file.
